The First Rule of Handling Conflict That Almost Nobody Follows

What if the biggest workplace conflicts could be resolved with one simple step that almost nobody takes?

I once worked with a team that was struggling with the question: "How do we handle conflict with one another?" Instead of avoiding the issue, they dedicated a half-day seminar to tackling it head-on. Together, we created six simple standards for navigating conflict more effectively.

The very first standard? Go directly to the person you have a conflict with. Not your manager. Not your coworkers. The person involved. And then do something even more powerful: send them a follow-up email thanking them for the conversation.

Sounds simple, right? Yet almost nobody does it.

In this short video, I'll share why this first standard can transform relationships, build trust, and help you do what others won't. Watch the short video to learn more.

Why Listening Is a Leadership Superpower

We often think change happens because of a new directive, a polished mission statement, or yet another lengthy email. But real change doesn't work that way.

Research and experience continue to show that people are more likely to change when they feel heard. When someone listens, helps us focus on what matters, and works with us as a partner, we become open to new perspectives and possibilities.

In this video, I discuss why change isn't driven by logic, but by connection, listening, and partnership.

🎥 Watch the video and rethink what it takes to inspire change.

Be Present and Have a Presence

Starting a new role, whether you're early in your career or bringing years of experience, is an opportunity to shape how others see you. Curiosity, thoughtful questions, and active participation can help you establish credibility and build connections from day one.

In this short video, I share practical advice on how to make a strong impression, contribute with confidence, and take control of your professional brand in a new organization.

🎥 Watch the video to learn how small, intentional actions can make a lasting impact.

Hierarchy or Contribution?

Many organizations are built vertically: one person at the top and many others below. But what if we thought differently?

Drawing inspiration from the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), where every role is critical—from doctors and nurses to support staff and cleaners—success becomes a true team effort. In environments like these, value isn't determined by hierarchy, but by contribution.

This perspective challenges us to rethink how we work together. When we focus more on the impact each person brings, we create stronger collaboration, greater trust, and a deeper sense of shared purpose.

Watch this short video to explore how shifting from hierarchy to contribution can transform teamwork, engagement, and organizational success. What would change if everyone felt equally important to the mission?

Engagement Beats Performance

Years ago, when I was teaching actors at Columbia College, Nora Dunn (SNL) sat with my students on the floor and shared an important lesson:

"Your job is not to please the audience. Your job is to engage the audience. In the engagement is where they will be pleased."

The same is true in leadership. We engage people by focusing outward: showing up early, shaking hands, asking questions, learning what matters to others, and genuinely caring about their experience. That's where connection happens.

🎥 In this short video, I share why engagement is one of the keys to being a successful leader.

Start Meetings Better: One Small Change That Works

Most meetings start with an agenda.

But most people show up wondering: What do I get out of this?

In this short reel, I share a simple shift that can completely change the dynamic of your meetings. Watch to learn how one small change can make your meetings more meaningful and effective.

Navigating the Shift from Peer to Leader

Leading a team of your former peers requires fewer yeses—and a lot more no’s—than before. A friend who was recently promoted put it perfectly:

“I went from we and us to them and they overnight.”

Yes, a promotion may bring recognition, status, and compensation—but it also brings a different kind of responsibility. As Spider-Man reminds us, “With great power comes great responsibility.” That responsibility often shows up in unexpected ways: how we socialize, who we confide in, what we promise, how freely we offer opinions, and the kind of advice we give.

Once promoted, we are peers no more. And while expectations from those who promoted us are high, they are often exceeded by the expectations of those we now lead.

• What do they want?

• What do they need?

• Who do you need to be for them?

Do you know someone who’s made this transition well? What did they do differently when leading their former peers? Share your experiences—let’s talk about it below.

Working With a Boss Who’s Not Your Age

It’s becoming increasingly common to have a boss who’s decades older or younger than you. Generational stereotypes aside, that gap can create a sense of separation. This video looks at how to bridge that space—not by trying to change your boss or compare yourself to them, but by using your own intentional interpersonal skills to understand how they think, how they work, and how you can collaborate more effectively. It’s about getting in sync, knowing where to go when you’re stuck, and showing up as a colleague they can count on.

Hope Is the Fuel That Moves Teams

Hope might not be a strategy, but it is an emotional transmission that fuels movement. Just like that old college car stick shift that you had (or have a better model now!), movement happens when the clutch and the gear shift work in harmony. Hope may not be the plan and certainly is not the strategy, but it is the one thing to prevent the worst part of a team progress: discouragement. Your team will not tell you when they are discouraged but it you are alert you will see it in their eyes, in the way they come late, delay, or have no life in their voice. Paint hope, picture hope, talk about hope…it is all about movement.

Why Praise Falls Flat—and Encouragement Sticks

Ever try to praise your child or your employee and it seems to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect…amazing…awesome (most overused word of the decade by the way!)…better than…etc.” You may often hear the response, “Oh no I’m not…Amy is much better than I am…kind of you to say, but…” This may be worth considering when you tell me I am smart and I don’t think I am, I mentally cancel you out. When you compare me favorably to others and I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I really cancel you out either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!” Cancelled out again! However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team. Thank you.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so. I saw your special magic happen. Thank you.” This is called the Skill of Encouragement which always begins with “I” and some form of appreciate or like or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. Our experience with the skill however is that it is “sticky”…it persists in their memory.

Is it Necessary

When we bought our first home, we did all the things first time home buyers do: We bought stuff! Lawn mower, rakes, shovels, air conditioner cover for winter (this was a few years ago!), and a new this and a new that. My next-door neighbor who was much older and wiser when he noticed or I told him of my newest purchase always said the same thing: “Is it, was it, necessary?” This became a kind of motto for me in those early years and saved us a bit of cash. Today I still ask that when I’m preparing for a presentation or a facilitation of a pharma team. How is this plan, this PowerPoint slide, this activity…how are they necessary? Our audiences the ones within our teams and companies or our KOLs are much, much more discriminating these days with the value we present. They are, as Nido Qubein, President of High Point University, the value interpreters. When we focus on us alone, we exclude the ones who will know the real value…the audience. Every one of them is asking, silently of course, “Can you help me solve my problem? Can you improve my condition?”  Consider next time to strip down that PowerPoint deck and make room for what is necessary and for the audience to tell you what is useful.

The Art of an Introduction

How do you think of others?  How do you introduce them? I notice that physicians are known and introduced by their name and their specialty and…that’s it! It is as if they are a “noun” defined by a name and a thing…their specialty. Of course, depending on the specialty this can come with a raft of judgments! Surgeon? We all know what they are like, right? Hospice? They are so nice! But what if we help this definition-by-noun/title with a metaphorical verb/adverb after their name and specialty. “Dr. Hicks is our neurosurgeon and also a Boston marathoner and she is certainly that too in the OR and at the bedside…she never gives up.  Dr. Ana McKee at The Joint Commission holds three C-Suite titles and was once introduced by those titles (her nouns) with the following, “And she has met seven Supreme Court Justices (her husband is a Federal Judge) and you’d never know it unless you ask by the way she treats everyone not as better or worse but as who we are together.” Doesn’t this round out her identity to you a bit better than only her influential status at The Joint Commission? Who do you know at your place…and how do you both think about them and introduce them? Enhance their presence and you will enhance yours as well.

Don’t hate the black, don’t hate the white. If you get bitten, hate the bite.

(Sly Stone) introducing his song, “Everyday People.” It’s not personal and even if it is…take it as a professional. Taking anything ‘personal’ can take us easily to our place of inferiority, fear, and insecurity. Taking it professionally or at least pausing long enough to listen with the intent of providing the other person to have their say can help you from not becoming too hurt or increasingly resentful. Some people say stuff that hurts. Some are unaware or ignorant of the impact or are hurt themselves. Don’t let their words take you to a dark place within. Rather listen and if this is an important relationship, tell them about the “ouch.”

"The reason I say that is..."

Communication Tip: Use "The reason I say that is..."

Why? Because it gives people more time to hear, process, and actually consider what you’re saying—especially when sharing a new or challenging idea.

It’s a simple shift that encourages curiosity instead of resistance.

The importance of giving your audience choices

In your next meeting give people more choice. Lace your language with choice making: ‘Is it possible that…?’ ‘Could it be…?’ ‘I wonder if…?’ instead of making a judgement. Maybe you’ll decide to watch this video to learn more…or you could decide not to!

Confront a Strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

The Meaning of Democracy

Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”

Montessori Teachers Know Something We Often Forget

Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.