Ask Those Who Really Know…

Are you still struggling to think of your New Year’s resolution? How about this - ask those who know you best (at work and at home) a simple but telling question: “What do I do well and what is one thing you might suggest that I consider doing more (or less!) of?” We do this at the end of every semester with our students at Institute of Pastoral Studies Loyola University. Everyone answers everyone including students telling professors. It is eye opening and encouraging. We are already noticing it and thinking about it, so why not help another by offering it?

Who Do You Love to Talk With About What You Do?

I asked this to a group of attorneys recently and without exception they just loved to talk to other attorneys, law professors, and each other. No one said they love to talk to their clients, spouses or partners about the law! None! How about you? Who do you love to talk to about your profession? If it is only to those in the same profession, then a stretch might be to focus on another audience and see if you can effectively translate what you know. I told one of my physicians recently that I have another 25 years left of active service before I slow down. He smiled and said, “All I can tell you Kevin is that all of my 90-year old patients have two things in common.” Then he pointed to his head and said, “They stay active here” and pointed to his legs and said, “They stay active here!” My internal response was, “Well I’m 50% on the way!” My external response was, “Understood!” All of the tests, history, medical advice, and notes in a file were of less use than his intuition to align with my 25-year goal. If you know how to talk to your audience in a way that it sticks with them well beyond the moment, then you’ve gained a non-expert that you will love to talk with. Translate what you know, so that they will know, what you know!

Metaphors and Stories

·        “Think of it as….”

·        “Sort of like…”

·        “It is as if….”

·        “I remember this one time when…”

·        “I once noticed…”

·        “One of my professors remarked that…”

In your meetings and presentation keep using metaphors and stories to keep the audience in alignment with you, to keep them interested, and to turn your expertise into useful information. One of my attorney clients said with some exasperation, “How many ways can I explain the term ‘negligence’?” To all of us non-lawyers it is worth the effort. Your audience will always be polite and nod in agreement but retain nothing! So, check at the end of any technical explanation with the simple and powerful, “I’m trying to get better at this. Please tell me in your own words what you think negligence is.” You will be amazed how clear you were…or maybe you’ll have some clearing up to do!

Using Your Native Language

Teaching at Loyola University of Chicago’s Institute of Pastoral Studies gives me a worldwide view of life with students from Korea, Poland, China, Spain, South America, India, Pakistan, and even from Atlanta, Georgia! As I teach, I’ve learned to use their native language to teach me more about our English vocabulary. I recently asked the students to put the word “hunch” on the board in their native language and then to define it. None defined it as “hunch” instead painting a video for us of that word in action. I asked a student from Thailand to write “empathy” on the board in Thai…it was a very long word! When asked to define it, she thought for a moment and said, “Sitting on my grandmother’s lap after dinner before the fireplace.” Perfect! With your international colleagues or neighbors try using their language early and often to enhance your English understanding. The powerful world of words, images, metaphors, and inclusion awaits.

The Value of the Pause

When the other person invades your amygdala with a word that seems accusatory, negative or combative many of us are more than ready to react. Often, we show it nonverbally and then accept the challenge as we enter the battlefield of verbal combat, competition, and opinion. Like little leaguers putting one hand over the others going up the bat to see who goes first we can easily and understandably (and immediately!) swing into action.

Here is an alternative approach: Pause. Wait. Focus. Then paraphrase. As hard as it might be, respond back to the person in your language with what they said, and make sure there’s no attitude in it. Don’t mirror them exactly, create your own restatement then look for an affirmative head nod, agreeing eyes, or a lessened fury. Sometimes it helps to use one or two of their words interspersed with your understanding as this helps them hear what they said, “Jerk, idiot, etc” It's often clearly painful for them.

The goal is to get the head nod. This is also your secret weapon against yourself. We have a plaque in our kitchen that reads “Lord put your hand on my shoulder and the other one over my mouth!” Pause, paraphrase, and then respond with “I have a slightly different take on that…would you like to hear it?”  Or as Phil Jones suggests in his book, ‘Exactly What To Say’,  “How open minded would you be to hearing my take on it?” Then….PAUSE!

Your Opening Line

I am continually amazed by presentation after presentation where the opening lines are about the presenter and not the audience. Are you guilt of ever starting with any of the following?

·        “You probably want to know a bit about me…”

·        “I am blah blah and I studied at blah blah and blah blah blah…”

·        “Before we get the meat of today I want to thank…”

·        “Before I get to the report you’ve been waiting for, you have to understand…”

·        And of course, the infamous, “How’s everyone doing this morning?” (followed by “I can’t hear you!”)

 While the audience will be patient with you nonverbally (we’ve been taught to sit and listen politely!) they will also mark you as ordinary, expected, and frankly, wasting their time.

Dale Carnegie’s famous admonition, “Tell them what you are going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you told them” still works today for the soul reason - it is audience focused. Our nervousness, our ego, our desire to please or our wish to look good unfortunately puts the focus on us instead of those who came to hear us. The hard truth is that the audience don’t really care about you. No matter how important you are, the audience has one pivotal question in their minds “Can you help me solve my problem; can you improve my condition.” Start there and you will see and maybe even hear your audience say, “Whew! Yes!”

If at first you don’t succeed, speak encouragingly to yourself

Be good to yourself. Be kind and forgiving. Understand that you will make mistakes. You will contribute to others who you may never hear from again, but they walk away from you with the best words of all, “I felt heard.”

To ensure others know you, know them

Be curious about people beyond the nouns they use to describe themselves or their jobs. Go for the adverbs and the verbs…that is where the action is! Your colleague just returned from a vacation in the Arctic to watch the caribou migration (I am not kidding, she really did!). Ask an interesting question that gets to the heart of the journey for her. “Tell me what you saw in the animals’ eyes that intrigued you?” or “What was the most challenging part of the trip?” (This is a never-fail question, helping the other person go deeper). Avoid the obvious questions… “Bathrooms? Buses? Food? Masks?” and go for the motivational questions that help you be there with them.

To know if you have been heard, ask

When others compliment you on a speech, presentation, or contribution obviously say “thank you” but also follow up with “What did you like especially?” You will find a host of content that you said (and didn’t say!) in their answer. Ask your boss why they hired you. Ask your customers why they buy from you. Ask your spouse why they stay with you. Ask your children their favorite memory of the two of you. And finally look soulfully into your dog’s eyes and ask why he loves you! (Be careful attempting this with cats!) Ask and you shall find an abundance of what makes you valuable, no need to guess.

To be heard you must hear

I suppose this is one of those statements that is met with either “Duh, I knew that” or “Wow, brilliant!” Actually, it might be neither; it is simply a working principle that directs us to all human activity…we want to be heard…and when we are heard we are open to hear.

“Shake it up baby…” might work for the Beatles, but for you?

Loud, angry, sarcastic, frustrated, anxious and a few hundred other very descriptive words for our emotions might be how we feel but not how we want to come across. If you intimidate then ‘who you are’ will spread like wildfire throughout the organization. You won’t be seen as correct but as a bully - weak, self-centered, and alone. Feel the emotion of course, identify it for sure, but if you put it out first and loud, you’ll scare off even your most loyal supporter.

Emotions are the gas in our tank - they provide the fuel to move us. However, they do not belong at the steering wheel. You may be attracted to many different people for many different reasons, but you marry only one after a good deal of thoughtful decision making (hopefully!) The sweet smell of chocolate cookies arouses even the strongest of us, but how many go into your mouth is decided at the steering wheel not the gas tank.

Monitor your emotions before you put them on public display, or reply to the email, or take to Twitter. A good rule of thumb is “Given how I feel and how strongly I feel about this, what is the best way for me to communicate so that others will receive it with respect and perhaps change?”

Do you really need to say it all?

Sometimes the CEO or someone of a higher rank than your boss, might want a moment with you, alone, without HR! Perhaps it was something that provoked their interest in you, or a casual elevator “Let’s get together sometime” (that you wisely followed up on!). Perhaps you want to set them straight on a few things that are happening, or create a strong impression of yourself. Completely understandable… just, don’t!

On paper we would never do any of those things, but ask anyone in power and you will repeatedly hear the same mistakes we make when given time with them. Instead, make yourself known by listening, aligning, and asking questions that allow them to give you advice.

One CEO said to me, “My door is always open to everyone, and I’ll give them about two minutes to help me understand why I should give them two more!” He wasn’t the most popular person but he was clear! Consider finding ways to say things through your actions, your patience, your kindness, your listening…and then in an informed and intentional way, say your piece not because it ‘needs to be said’ but because it needs to be received.

Say hello to (and make friends with) your inner expert

What do you do well? What are you really, really good at? Go beyond your resume or curriculum vitae. Even go beyond your surgical skills, or your ability with finance or law. Ask yourself the question “What would they say at my funeral?”

One of my grammar school classmates just died and he did such a remarkable thing: he wrote his own obituary! “If you are reading this then what I said a lot ‘With birth, comes death, everything in between is the adventure’ must apply to me at this moment. An obituary is usually dry and stuffy, but my adventure in life was very much the opposite of the norm. I would like to share some things with you…” He went on to detail quite a life of service and adventure and gratefulness. It ended with “I did it my way, as always.” He told us what he did and what he did well…and who he was. Reading the many entries to the ‘tribute wall’ posted by the funeral home was just as remarkable, with detailed thoughts, experiences and emotions that this man engendered in others. A significant life for sure.

Reflect on this and think about your significance instead of only your material success.

Prepare for Presence

When my colleague, Char Wenc taught at Loyola University of Chicago she always advised her students to “Be Present and Have Presence” and ensured that they knew those were two very different things.

“Were you at the meeting last week?”

“I was sitting right next to you!”

“Well, you didn’t say anything!”

Prepare for presence. YOUR presence. What are the three things you want to make sure you say in the meeting regardless of the discussion? What is the essential message of the meeting content that you want others to know? What questions do you need to ask in order to help move things forward? This is particularly important if you are angry, hurt, or resentful…what are you not going to say?

Go further by helping to clarify the messages in the discussion with paraphrasing. Add in some empathy too! Wait and summarize. Let a moment of silence linger a bit, let it hang in the air. For in-person meetings, sit in a different chair each time, even next to the boss sometimes. Position yourself to see everyone else. If you are running the meeting use a circle of chairs – it cuts down on others doing their emails, enlivens active discussion, and keeps people awake. No need to be a chatterbox; just don’t be on ‘mute’ throughout.

Recognize the voice within

The voice within is YOUR voice. This is the voice that likely talks to you all day long, “Should I or shouldn’t I? This way or that way? Respond or stay quiet? What if…? And then what…?” My goodness what we say to ourselves!

Consider how much of what we say is a warning, a discouragement, a critique, or a demanding parent to an innocent you. When we teach advanced executive professional speaking, the request each and every time from the class is: “What did this person do well? What is just one thing they could have done better? What is the special expertise that you noticed?” That’s all you need to get better and better with each presentation and come to think of it, with each interaction. No need for an inner judgment, no need for an inner critique, no need for perfection; simply a way to reorient yourself for the next right step.

You may have had a difficult conversation, a difficult meeting, a difficult day…but you can use these three little prompts to guarantee the next right step: “What did I do well? What is just one thing I could have done better? And what is the special expertise within me that I noticed?”

A final thought – in today’s environment it might be helpful to watch or rewatch the movie “Up In The Air” with George Clooney. Certainly, recommended for any HR professional!

Prepare the voicemail

Have you ever received a voicemail that sounds like a car commercial on the radio when they have to read the fine print as fast as possible? You have to listen to it three times to get the number right, or you are left wondering which ‘Bob’ is calling you?

Next time you make a call, be prepared to get the person’s voicemail. Decide in advance what to say, the pace you will speak, the information vital to the return call (always give your phone number even if you know they already have it), and the purpose of your call…again in a voice as steady as if you were on NPR.

You don’t need to tell them the time or day, the phone will tell them that. Nor do you need to tell them the weather where you are, they don’t care. Nor do you need to imitate an airline pilot’s announcement, “This is, uhhh, your captain speaking, today we are uhhhh going to Seattle (we know that) and we uhhhh will be flying at 35,000 feet (not necessary) and uhhh given the time I won’t be making any more uhhhh announcements,” At last some good news!

Leave a good impression - clear, crisp, professional, paced, with just enough information. That way they will not only remember to return your call, but won’t be afraid to do so!

First step might be the hardest

Meetings and discussions are prime opportunities to make ourselves heard, but often hesitancy, embarrassment, and simple ignorance prevent us from saying anything.

I was recently with a group of men who were discussing a baseball game – their vast knowledge of the game was met with equal amounts of enthusiasm! My ‘sports chat’ however is limited to when I watch the Olympics every four years, and the odd demolition derby or two during the summer. I am quite literally clueless with nothing to contribute. Nothing! So, I sat in silence occasionally nodding my head to show some semblance of, well, anything. Everyone could have been speaking Romanian for all I knew!

Being an extrovert, one can only do this for so long before breaking so I took a different approach. “You mentioned ______, the first baseman. In your opinion what makes him so special?” At that moment I was desperately hoping the guy was the first baseman! All of a sudden, an entirely new conversation began with me there too. The ‘guys’ all had an opinion… all I had to do was ask a few more questions out of real curiosity (and complete ignorance!) to be able to join in.

My inner expertise is curiosity, not baseball. This same skill allows me to communicate with executives, the homeless, snobs, us commoners, even with those I don’t like a whole lot!  Phew, this time I made it out of a sports discussion with my self-esteem intact…and I even found out what a first baseman is supposed to do!

“I felt heard, thank you.”

This was the response I had from recent interactions with two different people. I didn’t ask for the response and frankly I might have passed it off as a simple ‘thank you’. But the earnestness of their first three words took me by surprise. It made me wonder how often I may have missed this message before. I also wondered how many times I may have missed helping someone to feel heard, with my focus instead working to ‘solve for’ or advise or placate or quiz. Those people may have felt better heard by their dog, cat or budgie! Making someone feel heard doesn’t have to be complex - paraphrasing and empathy are powerful tools for simple communication. When was the last time you said to yourself “I felt heard”, or better yet the last time someone told you “I felt heard, thank you.”?

The Meaning of Democracy

Thanks to parent educator Dr. Michael Popkin for this quote: “Democracy means you may not get your way, but you will get your say.” If you lead a team in America today, be ready for others to have their say. Yes, you can muffle them if you dare, cut them off, attempt to manipulate the agenda for speed…but you will always pay the price in their resentment, often silent and deadly, representing how disrespected they feel. A quiet team member is a dangerous one for you, for the effort, and for themselves. None of this means we vote on everything, nor does it mean that we all have to agree. It simply means your team members should leave any meeting with the phrase above all phrases in their heart: “I was heard.”

Montessori Teachers Know Something We Often Forget

Go to a traditional Montessori classroom and you will see a beehive of activity. You’ll actually need to look closely to find the teacher. They are great at fading into the walls, observing, briefly intervening, and then moving with grace and gentleness around the busy, busy classroom. Could you attend a meeting with quiet attention? Can you let your team struggle with mistakes? Let the beehive happen and see then what happens to engagement, involvement, and the beauty of what Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs called “the courage to be imperfect.” All of the great innovators were OK with early problems, errors, and even failures. Let your team experience the same as what the geniuses have.