At a recent psychology conference, I came across a technique from Wes Wingett and Calvin Armerding that can be used in counseling and coaching. While it’s typically for clients, I thought it might work for us as well, even without a therapist or coach.
It goes like this: let’s say I’m experiencing one of the negative emotions (sometimes called “compelling” emotions, since we feel compelled to do something about them). I’m angry, and I go through my day feeling that anger and wishing I weren’t. At that point, I ask myself this question: What is the precise opposite of “angry,” without using the word “angry”?
I might respond, “I’m at peace on this walk,” or “I helped resolve the situation with a bit of courage on my part,” or “I’m back in control of myself without being controlling,” and so on.
What this technique does is create a line from a “felt minus position” to a “perceived plus position.” The question then becomes focused on movement: how will I find peace, resolution, or control? Instead of being stuck in the anger, I’m moving forward toward a better place. It gives me something to do that aligns with that forward movement—which seems a lot better than being angry all day.
