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Why Praise Falls Flat—and Encouragement Sticks

Ever try to praise your child or your employee and it seems to flop on delivery? “You are great…smart…perfect…amazing…awesome (most overused word of the decade by the way!)…better than…etc.” You may often hear the response, “Oh no I’m not…Amy is much better than I am…kind of you to say, but…” This may be worth considering when you tell me I am smart and I don’t think I am, I mentally cancel you out. When you compare me favorably to others and I know they are more capable, I cancel you out. And if you do it publicly, I really cancel you out either because I am embarrassed or because I am silently thinking, “It’s about time you noticed me, dude!” Cancelled out again! However, what if you commented on my progress, effort, or even our relationship? “I noticed the work you put into this report and it really shows.” Or “I appreciated when you spoke up at the Board meeting to set the record straight. It took courage and it paid off for our team. Thank you.” Or “I noticed your touch on the patient’s back and how his entire face relaxed when you did so. I saw your special magic happen. Thank you.” This is called the Skill of Encouragement which always begins with “I” and some form of appreciate or like or a personal noticing. It is always delivered as only your appreciation for what you noticed with a bit of wonderment attached. The receiver may or may not take it and that is their choice. Our experience with the skill however is that it is “sticky”…it persists in their memory.

Ready, Set, Go?

As I listen to many sides of our life today at citizens of the world, I hear the perennial question of “What Can I Do”? And more so, “What Can One Person Do?” It makes me reflect on my grandparents and maybe yours too who came across the ocean leaving everything they knew behind and sailing to an uncertain future. Or that one person who is quite famous that you admire. They were also a one person who asked, “What Can I Do” and moved it to “This I Must Do.” How did they have the courage, the insight, the willingness to leave behind their past and sail into the new.

Is There a Book in You?

I hear all the time about those of us who want to write a book. One of my pharma friends writes two hours per night for pleasure. My sister published 70 books and often told me she wrote daily, “Even if I have nothing to write about.” After 70 books apparently, she had a lot to say! How about you? Happy to speak with you about it, let’s connect. No charge at all for talking about that book that just might be in you!

Hiring the Right One

A friend of mine lives in the United States but manages 100 employees overseas. She needed to hire a new manager, and I asked what she looked for as she interviewed. “Three things: Candor so they will talk to me. Humility so they will talk with the team. And Technical Ability to get the job done.” She had a wry smile when she also added, “A lot of them have the technical ability.” The implication to me was that the first two are both rare and required…worth searching for, worth waiting for.

Behind the words

I like word play and, on the radio, recently a company that buys homes that are often homes of deceased parents that the adult children have to sell had this line: “We will help you through the transition, not just the transaction.” I wondered as I heard this if it is also a great model for a leader to consider as they complete a performance review, a firing, or even a promotion. All three are filled with emotion. All are transactions. The best end with an understanding of the transition…perhaps the transformation.


Power

A Texas lawmaker recently said of his party’s majority status, “The majority as the right to prevail, the minority the right to be heard.” Aside from politics even our families or our workplaces may find themselves on one side or the other. Prevailing as the boss or parent is pretty easy. It is the listening to the others “so that they feel heard and a part of things” is much, much harder especially for those in power: parent, spouse, boss, winner. When heard we call it collaboration and cooperation. When not heard we call it rebellion, overthrow, temper tantrum. Care for and allow for the feelings of your ‘other’ or they will metastasize and the cancer will grow between you.

The Quiet Mission That Matters

In this short video, I reflect on comparison, purpose, and the quiet impact we often overlook—like the adjunct professor who shapes lives without tenure. We all carry hopes that may never materialize, and others that surprise us. Both truths can coexist. Let’s honor the mission that’s uniquely ours.

"and what else?"

Use "...and what else?" to stay curious a little longer and transform your conversations. Watch this video to learn more...

My inner expertise is curiosity

Meetings and discussions are prime opportunities to make ourselves heard, but often hesitancy, embarrassment, and simple ignorance prevent us from saying anything.

I was recently with a group of men who were discussing a baseball game – their vast knowledge of the game was met with equal amounts of enthusiasm! My ‘sports chat’ however is limited to when I watch the Olympics every four years, and the odd demolition derby or two during the summer. I am quite literally clueless with nothing to contribute. Nothing! So, I sat in silence occasionally nodding my head to show some semblance of, well, anything.

Being an extrovert, one can only do this for so long before breaking so I took a different approach. “You mentioned ______, the first baseman. In your opinion what makes him so special?” At that moment I was desperately hoping the guy was the first baseman! All of a sudden, an entirely new conversation began with me there too. The ‘guys’ all had an opinion… all I had to do was ask a few more questions out of real curiosity (and complete ignorance!) to be able to join in.

My inner expertise is curiosity, not baseball. This same skill allows me to communicate with executives, the homeless, snobs, us commoners, even with those I don’t like a whole lot! Phew, this time I made it out of a sports discussion with my self-esteem intact…and I even found out what a first baseman is supposed to do!

Write the letter

Write the letter you were always going to write.
To your clients.
To a colleague.
To your children, spouse, or partner.
Maybe even to a former professor or a mentor who shaped your path.
What about that physician who encouraged you to follow your specialty—or that quiet, steady presence who doesn’t realize how special they are?

Whether it’s handwritten or an email (handwritten does have a lasting magic), it’s never too late to say what matters.

A simple letter can become a lasting legacy.

Who’s on your list?

“What do you most remember about them"

My eldest sister passed away peacefully Jan 1st after a short and welcomed hospice stay. She was ready. I received the usual heartfelt condolences, a welcomed hug, an “I’m so sorry” and a few “How old was she?” as well as a few stories of a death related to them. A seat mate on the plane said, “Wow that’s old!” Later he sought me out in baggage claim and wished me an “successful funeral!” We both chucked over that one. Everyone did their best.

I’m Irish and so death is not as much a fear for us as a celebration of the life lived …we have a long tradition of Irish wakes…my father often prayed for a ‘Happy Death’…he got one with minstrels playing at his bedside.

After a few responses that I received I thought more about how to handle these sudden and sometimes awkward moments. What do I say? On social media of course a short condolence is a welcomed connection. But what about those times when you are in person or at the wake? What is a useful way to respond to your clients and friends, even to yourself, when the ultimate that we all have in common happens our way.

One response I use and being on the receiving end now I find comforting when time permits is “What do you most remember about her?” or words to that effect. This takes the nervousness out of things for us and begins a memory-making sharing for the one who is hurting. Through our question they get to bring alive the memory and share it. No need then for any awkward or cliche comments…just a moment of intimacy. And perhaps even a “successful funeral”!

Share what you liked, learned, and appreciated

Next time you watch a presentation, take a moment to share what you liked, learned, and appreciated about it. It’s a thoughtful way to acknowledge the speaker’s effort and spread positivity.

Let’s build each other up through support and kindness! Watch this video to learn more...

Deep down, we are more alike than we might think

A core teaching of Adlerian psychology (from Alfred Adler, 1870-1937) emphasizes that we are all "social equals" and deserve respect. This does not mean we are identical, but rather that despite our differences, we share a common humanity and dignity. Deep down, we are more alike than we might think.

I once had a graduate student who consistently arrived late to class. When I asked him about it, he explained, "Oh, Mr. O'Connor, I get stuck talking to a homeless guy down the street." My immediate response, which I now regret, was, "You talk to homeless people?" His reply has stayed with me: "You know, I think you and I are maybe one life event away from being in his shoes." This made me realize the importance of seeing people for who they are, beyond their circumstances. Indeed, we are all more similar than we imagine.

A colleague, Char Wenc, once led a class for physician leaders where she asked them to pair up and take turns saying, "I'll bet we have ____ in common" or "I like ____, how about you?" Within minutes, most pairs discovered they had at least seven things in common, often more. We can find deep connections if we just take the time to ask, listen, and engage.

Add depth to your communication

It's the little things that can add depth to your communication. Did you know that understanding the Latin roots of words can change how you perceive and use them? Check out this video to learn more and discover how language can help you communicate with more meaning.

Spread encouragement!

Start spreading encouragement every day by saying these three simple things to those around you:

1️⃣ What you liked
2️⃣ What you learned
3️⃣ What you appreciated

Watch this video to learn more and let me know who you've encouraged today!

Team Learning

Taking time at the end of a meeting to reflect on everyone's key takeaways fosters true team learning. Each member will remember different key moments, enriching the collective understanding. Watch this video to learn more...

What do your visitors actually want and need?

When you are asked by an outside group for a tour of your facility, don't just think of it as a marketing activity. Instead think of the audience. Who are they? What will help them solve their problem? Why did they pick your facility?

Do they really need to know how many trauma surgeries you did last year, or instead do they need to tour your trauma department and talk to the surgeons and nurses? Do they really need to endure the standard dog-and-pony PowerPoint program or do they actually need a time to have a robust Q&A with, not your CEO or CNO, but rather your most endearing ED nurse?

When you are asked for the tour, first find out what your visitors actually want and need.

Take the risk

When is the last time you took a risk? Calculated perhaps, but none the less risk. A leap of faith? A time you spoke up first at a meeting? A time when you silenced your usual meeting speech or even a time when you realized you didn’t need to be at that meeting at all!?

It’s amazing to look back over our lives and notice the risks we did take, the ones that worked and the ones that didn’t, and to then ask ourselves what we now know even more about ourselves.

Richard Rohr wrote, “It is never a straight line, but always three steps forward and two backward—and the backward creates much of the knowledge and impetus for the forward.”

Brighten up a room

“There you are!” Ever wondered about the vibe you bring when you enter a room? Your presence has power! Whether it's at work, home, or anywhere else, the energy you carry can truly light up the space. Next time you step into a room, remember, you've got the magic to make it brighter! Watch this video to learn more.