I was recently reminded of the importance of asking the other person what they think, or what they want to know, not just telling them 'stuff' that is irrelevant to them. Watch this video to learn more.
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Enhance your presence
I was recently reminded of the importance of personal connection. Let me tell you about it...
“Tell me more about that…” and “How was that for you?” are useful coaching questions you can apply in every day conversations to help people to dive deeper into what they are saying, and more importantly to fully think through what they are saying.
Let's talk about TRUST! It can take a long time to gain, but is very quick to lose.
What a revolutionary meeting rule - are you brave enough to try it?
I met some wonderful new people at ACHE Congress this week which inspired today’s TOP TIP! Next time you’re at a conference, step out of your comfort zone! Introduce yourself to people you don’t know, because who knows what you will learn about them and from them. Watch this video to learn more...
There’s something I’ve noticed on the TV and radio recently that drives me crazy, and it inspired today’s top tip! In an interview (or any conversation really!) ask open ended questions, don’t go on to give options of answers, confusing and restricting the other person’s response. Stay quiet and see what the other person has to say!
Do you have the same problem as me, and find it hard when something happens in a meeting or a conversation and you need to say the right thing FAST? Here’s a top tip to help deal with this situation. Let me know what you think!
Have you ever considered leading your boss? Now don’t tell them, but sometimes you will hear about “managing up” when in fact that seems to me to be short-sighted. What your boss, maybe every boss, needs is a fellow traveler to notice what they did well, to suggest a next step, to console, and to consider a possible ‘plan B’. Now make sure you don’t tell them you are mentoring them or leading them, no need for that. Instead take yourself out of your appointed role from time to time and instead of “speaking truth to power” consider your own power to speak to a fellow struggler, a fellow traveler, a fellow person who is doing the best they can at this very particular moment. They are just like you with all the fears and chaos and worries that you have. They might just need you to be their “boss whisperer.”
I learned a lot from the time I spent with a group of Saudi Arabian doctors, nurses and administrators at the American College of Healthcare Executives Global Executive Program. My main take away was how specific and detailed the feedback they gave was. WOW! It almost made me tearful. It reminded me that I should be more specific about what I liked, learned and appreciated about interactions with people, whether at work, at home…in the airport! Try it this week and let me know how you get on!
One of my clients mentioned to me this past month that in their coursework they were striving not only for information, not only for behavior change, but also for ‘performance based’ courses. This may not be new to you but to me it represented an important word shift…knowledge, behavior, and performance.
My graduate students read to understand, we demonstrate to isolate useful behaviors, and we practice to get so good that our performance is second nature. Actors call it ‘muscle memory.’
Can you think of a time when you said the right thing at the right time, in the right way…and even you were surprised with the outcome!? Perhaps that went beyond what you knew, beyond how you behaved, and the ‘performance’ was the integration of it all. Behavior change is certainly good. Performance, well that may be something different and better altogether.
There is a classic “Family Guy” episode where the talking baby, Stewie, is looking at his mom Lois lying on the bed and repeats over and over again, “Lois, Lois, Lois, mom, mom, mom, mummy, mama...” He goes on and on! In the end Lois does acknowledge with irritation and Stewie runs off as if this was great fun. Anyone with children knows this scenario all too well!
At the airport last month, the scene repeated all the way through TSA, with the mother finally and exasperatedly saying, “What!?” The little boy after a pause said, “I forgot.”
Have you ever tried to get someone’s attention, perhaps not quite as Stewie did, but over and over again you are ignored? Especially on a job search this happens far too often. We hear, “Yes, send me your stuff!” And then, nothing! We send a polite reminder and…nothing. I wonder if maybe sometimes we are not showing enough interest in their stuff. To them it may be that Stewie has returned! Perhaps it can all begin with a devoted interest in them as we are pitching ourselves. Get them talking about their career, their choices, their challenges. That will be a memorable conversation which is exactly what we want…to be in their memory.
Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?
One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.
The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”
What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”
So, this week….confront with a strength!
This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.
I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!
So, this week….You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”
Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.
So, this week, notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.
Empathize! Sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, tender, excited are seven commonly felt feelings. There are of course many other feeling words often nuances of the seven: devastated, scorned, furious, happy, joyous, etc. Lots and lots of nuances! When we listen with good skill-based paraphrasing and at the same time we pick up an emotional charge to the conversation, you are ready to empathize.
“You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” This formula is a way to convey you heard the emotion. Phrasing it as a statement instead of a question can feel risky but the payoff is so much better for the other person. Questions when we paraphrase or empathize confront the speaker with a choice to have to think and respond to our stuff instead of feeling understood about their stuff. It is as if we are on an expressway together; the question is an exit ramp you want to take, not one that the speaker necessarily wants to take. It distracts from their message. They want to talk; don’t make them think too!
So, this week…. “You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” Give it a try and be ready to be wrong or slightly ‘off’ and then do what the pros do…paraphrase again!
Paraphrase! This skill can be the most difficult when properly used. Some mirror or parrot repeating exactly what the other said; some wait until the entire story is over before paraphrasing; others choose the famous “uhuh” “oh” or “wow” response or even a few well-timed grunts. Paraphrasing as a skill does none of these. It does engage early and often with the speaker cutting to the core of the message, not to the entire detailed contents of the message. Some see paraphrasing “early and often” as interrupting. Think of it as engaging instead. What works well with this more skilled approach of paraphrasing is the result; the speaker feels understood, the listener communicates understanding. Mirroring and parroting (saying exactly what was said) is often met with a kind of “I just said that!” response from the other. Effective skill-based paraphrasing on the other hand helps the speaker go deeper with more insight and perhaps with more to say than they intended. And make sure you paraphrase without questions. This can be difficult but remember questions are about us, paraphrasing is about them.
So, this week…paraphrase everywhere with everyone (can be dangerous at home by the way in these early stages especially if they read my posts!) and rigorously avoid questions.
Attend! In the day of the device have you ever been speaking with someone, and as they “listen” they are all the while watching their phone? Or face to face and you are the only one facing a face that is looking everywhere but at you? Or they are behind their desk reviewing emails while you wonder just how much is getting across? (One technique by the way is to stop talking…it will take a few long awkward moments for them to realize, and when they look up you have a few options: “Maybe this isn’t’ a good time.” Or “Better if we talk at another time?”) One of my clients told me that his approach was, “I do better at this when you are looking right at me. OK with you? Or we can do this at another time when you have more time?” (He is a bit direct, but it works for him.) Like intermittent fasting, intermittent silence can have an interesting effect!
Attending is not as easy as it sounds and it is becoming a bit rarer these days in some circles, especially as some of us venture back to F2F. It requires attention and intention in reverse order…intention first. With the skill of self-awareness perhaps even before the other two skills. Attending is not for the multi-tasker: it is a singular grace we give the other as they speak to us. We intend to look like we are listening and then we really do listen with attention.
Away from the politics of things, when I met Bill Clinton in the White House, I was certain that for our brief handshake I was the only person in his world. Then I realized the same thing happened with Mark Huffman at Northwestern in Chicago, Anita Halvorsen, FACHE at ACHE, and John Botsko, Jr. at BrightStar Care. They attended!
So, this week….pay attention to when you are paying attention.
Actors learn about the “fourth wall” in Acting 101 classes; it is the invisible wall that separates the actor’s world from that of the audience—the imaginary boundary between a fictional work and its receiver. Once the actor speaks directly to the audience through this imaginary wall, he or she is “breaking the fourth wall,” and the boundaries are deconstructed. An example of this occurs in the classic Thornton Wilder play, “Our Town,” in which the narrator steps out to the very edge of the stage. For a few moments, the narrator is not representing a character; rather, the narrator is just another person giving us a quick synopsis. Then backing away, again becomes a character in a fictional reality, and “fourth wall” is imagined again and “Our Town” comes to life.
We as presenters, facilitators, and speakers also set up a “fourth wall” between ourselves and our audience. Once we are up in front, we still set up a boundary between “us” and “them.” The sooner we break the boundary by involving them in some way, the sooner we connect, involve, and engage.
This is why the traditional hour speech is not really so convincing or useful for today’s audiences. Even politicians have begun to adopt the ’town hall’ approach to indicate that they are more accessible to the electorate. Consider as part of your program interviewing someone the audience want to know and do it Larry King style with the audience asking questions too. When the content expert comes to update your team, don’t let them ‘present’ instead just have your own ‘town hall’ so that the question the audience really wants to ask are asked first.
When presenters don’t break the fourth wall, the audience observes the content. You, however, can take a step forward, breaking the fourth wall, so that the audience is focused on applying and connecting with the content.
It is not about your speech…it is about the experience of your time with them.
“Is it an oasis or a mirage?” is a quote from the movie, The Way Back. Set during World War II, the plot follows the incredible 4,000-mile on foot journey of a few escaped prisoners leaving Siberia, ending up in India. The quote was conflict for them since the ‘oasis’ was going west (or east!) when they needed to continue south. In the end, one brave soul simply started walking and others followed.
Firstly, how do we know? Secondly, how do we REALLY know? For some of us, we want 100% certainty before we take a step, for others 80% is plenty to make a decision with. Still for others, we are very, very happy when someone else makes the decision! This is the point where courage, bravery as it were, comes in handy. When all eyes are fixed on one thing, what would happen if you moved your eyes to another and openly wondered? “I wonder if….” or “Could it be….” or “I have a hunch I’d like your thoughts on…” or “What would happen if…” The conflicts and arguments are often about one thing with eyes fixed to see what they want to see. The leader in you - indeed, the brave in you - can muster a discussion, a conversation, instead of a heated argument with lasting mini resentments. After all we are not in the desert, just thirsty to be heard.